I Am Going to Die

Today I broke new ground and ripped more tortillas than ever before. I went to Chipotle for dinner (which turned out to be my only meal of the day, and may turn out to be my only meal for the week) and got a Chipotle 2.1 burrito (2 wraps, rice, both beans, barbacoa, plenty of hot sauce, corn, sour cream, cheese, a little lettuce... some day I will make a post and timeline the various burritos I went through and who influenced them).

I am never eating again.

The amount of rice and beans was OBSCENE, and BOTH wraps ripped while they were putting it all together, a historic event in my personal Chipotle history! They had to pull out an extra sheet of tin foil to cover the entire thing.

Of course, I rose to the occasion and slammed the entire thing, and now I am paying the price. I'm going to take a nap now and wake up with a vicious Chipotle hangover (a phenomenon that I will, unfortunately, also have to discuss in another post as I am feeling myself slipping into a food coma at this very moment).

Who Buys This Stuff?

Has anybody ever bought anything from those direct response television ads (ie infomercials)? You know what I'm talking about, the commercials that are selling some horribly practical product (that may or may not perform as well as advertised), and at the end they offer you 5 times as much of the product if you call right now, throw in free shipping, and then give you a 60 day money back guarantee. For example...

Family Guy also parodies these pretty well

I can honestly say I've never seen one of these products in real life. But people MUST be buying like crazy. These ads have been around forever, and if you "call right now" they throw a ton of product at you with free shipping for (what seems to be) a reasonable price. Clearly business is good.

So in order to curb my curiosity, if you have ever ordered from an infomercial, please post a comment here and let me know. If you live in the Chicago area, I might stop over to see the greenness of your grass/how well your vacuum works/how perfect your push-up is.

I Would Rather...

I would rather stick my hand in a blender full of hydrochloric acid than have to fight Casey Jones:





I would also rather:

• Take a shotgun blast to the crotch
  
• Eat a mixture of broken glass and gunpowder
  
• Be forced to spend the rest of my life in Detroit
  
• Get blowtorched in the eye
  
• Learn how to play the flute
  
• Have somebody smash my head into a wood chipper with a sledgehammer
  
• Bathe in a barrel of radioactive molten lava
  
• Swallow an active hand grenade
  
• Kiss Osama bin Ladin's bare ass
  
• Become a vegetarian