Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dont Like The Count of Monte Cristo? You're In Good Company!

I don't even feel bad for the people that cheated themselves by watching The Count of Monte Cristo on DVD before reading the book. These people missed out on the one and only chance to fully experience the development of the single hardest character ever to walk the streets of classic, modern, and future literature.

That being said, the bigger sins are committed by those that are too dumb, young, or blind to read the book and fail to appreciate all that Alexandre Dumas has done for the world by writing it. Join me on my Tour de Ignorance, as we examine some of the (very, very few) one star ratings given to this perfect work of literature on


Kim L Arnett writes:
"Story has good twists, but there are too many French places and people which makes the audio confusing."
You know what, Kim? You're right. Dumas was French and all, but I think he should have catered to your demographic and changed the setting to contemporary America. Let me rephrase your review for you: "Good story, but my decision to cut a corner and listen to the audio version turned out to be a bad one as I was born without a short term memory" Having a one star memory doesn't make it a one star story.

"A Customer" writes:
"As I read this book in english class, I found this novel way too long and bombasic. But then I found out why it was so long. The author was paid for each chapter that he wrote. If anyone is stupid enough to actually buy and read this work of verbose crap on their spare time, I pity that person. Much of the stuff that happens in the middle of the book has nothing to do with the plot."
Maybe if "A Customer" had paid more attention in English class, she would have capitalized the "E" in "English" and included a "t" in the word "bombasic." Instead, she served the Amazon community with a healthy dose of irony and ignorance. Whatever Dumas was paid per chapter, it wasn't enough. It's not his fault that a lifetime of romance novels and Sex in the City hasn't provided you with the comprehension skills necessary to understand a plot that requires, oh, I dont know, paying attention. "A Customer," your parents should have given a second thought to putting you in Honors English.

Chris Willett ( writes:

"The text is long, but is an easy read. The characters are all flat, with the exception being one of the villians. There is the occasional bright spot, but these are usually separated by two or three hundred pages. I would only recommend this novel to people whose age is counted using a single digit."

Completely vague review concluded with a marginally coherent sentence. I would expect nothing less from someone with an e-mail address containing the word "math."

"A Customer" writes:

"I have to read this book for school, and it is boring, dull, puts you to sleep after 2 pages.....exc.....exc....exc....... Dantes need to fugure out who he is....he must be 6 peple in his story.....but it did bite that he got arrested for that letter though..... Those guys were jerks.."
Where to begin? Since when was "exc" an abbreviation for (presumably) "et cetera"? "fugure out"? "peple"? I never realized how much credence "borderline literacy" lends to literature reviews. The fact that "A Customer" can't read or write makes it hard to believe that he ever got past the first two pages. "A Customer," Edmond Dantes appreciates your sympathy, but I think you're an asshole.

"A Customer" writes:

"i never liked classics and i don't like this one "
Here's an idea: stop reading them.

Well this concludes the tour, I hope you found it as infuriating as I did. And remember: If you don't like The Count of Monte Cristo, you're a one star human being just like the morons that wrote these reviews.


Tesserz said...

AHHAHAHAHAH VINCE, that was the freakin funniest thing i've ever read. i was loving it the entire time -- more reviews! more reviews!

conclusion: i agree. basically, reviews are completely unhelpful, thereby nullifying their reason for existence. what a sad world.

i've never read the count of monte cristo (i'm generally apprehensive of books more than 500 pages), but i've heard it's THE BEST. my bro's favorite.

Anonymous said...

hey matroskung, we all know taht reeding is for teh fags! get a reel life and play halo or cheek out the gurls.

Unknown said...

Well done, Vincent, well done.