I Am Going to Die

Today I broke new ground and ripped more tortillas than ever before. I went to Chipotle for dinner (which turned out to be my only meal of the day, and may turn out to be my only meal for the week) and got a Chipotle 2.1 burrito (2 wraps, rice, both beans, barbacoa, plenty of hot sauce, corn, sour cream, cheese, a little lettuce... some day I will make a post and timeline the various burritos I went through and who influenced them).

I am never eating again.

The amount of rice and beans was OBSCENE, and BOTH wraps ripped while they were putting it all together, a historic event in my personal Chipotle history! They had to pull out an extra sheet of tin foil to cover the entire thing.

Of course, I rose to the occasion and slammed the entire thing, and now I am paying the price. I'm going to take a nap now and wake up with a vicious Chipotle hangover (a phenomenon that I will, unfortunately, also have to discuss in another post as I am feeling myself slipping into a food coma at this very moment).

Who Buys This Stuff?

Has anybody ever bought anything from those direct response television ads (ie infomercials)? You know what I'm talking about, the commercials that are selling some horribly practical product (that may or may not perform as well as advertised), and at the end they offer you 5 times as much of the product if you call right now, throw in free shipping, and then give you a 60 day money back guarantee. For example...

Family Guy also parodies these pretty well

I can honestly say I've never seen one of these products in real life. But people MUST be buying like crazy. These ads have been around forever, and if you "call right now" they throw a ton of product at you with free shipping for (what seems to be) a reasonable price. Clearly business is good.

So in order to curb my curiosity, if you have ever ordered from an infomercial, please post a comment here and let me know. If you live in the Chicago area, I might stop over to see the greenness of your grass/how well your vacuum works/how perfect your push-up is.

I Would Rather...

I would rather stick my hand in a blender full of hydrochloric acid than have to fight Casey Jones:





I would also rather:

• Take a shotgun blast to the crotch
  
• Eat a mixture of broken glass and gunpowder
  
• Be forced to spend the rest of my life in Detroit
  
• Get blowtorched in the eye
  
• Learn how to play the flute
  
• Have somebody smash my head into a wood chipper with a sledgehammer
  
• Bathe in a barrel of radioactive molten lava
  
• Swallow an active hand grenade
  
• Kiss Osama bin Ladin's bare ass
  
• Become a vegetarian
  

Why Thursday is My Favorite Day

I Love Daxflame

Daxflame is some kid who runs a popular video diary on youtube. There is debate surrounding the legitimacy of the videos, and if you watch a couple you'll understand why. I'm pretty sure the kid is just a really good actor... I've heard he's an improv student or something. Regardless, he's an absolute riot. If you don't think he is funny, you are wrong.



I would strongly recommend checking out a number of his videos (if not all of them). Some of my favorites include "I Pulled the Ultimate Prank at Lunch", "Trouble in PE Again" and (its a little long) "The Convenient Truth."

Be sure to click "more info" on the descriptions because they're pretty good, as are the tags he puts on each video.

Chips and Burrito Bol, You Will End Me

You learn something new every day. No matter how many times I've gone to Chipotle, no matter how many different orders I've made, I'm amazed that I can still find new things to order that I fall in love with. This tip is brought to you by my friend Chris, who turned me on to getting a Burrito Bol and chips, and then using the chips instead of a fork and treating the Burrito Bol as a 1500 calorie dip. AMAZING. I've done this for my last 7 or 8 visits and am nowhere near getting sick of it.

Of course, this 12% hike in Chipotle spending means I need to get a job 12% sooner...

How I order it:

• Extra Rice
  
• Black beans (sometimes both, that tip will come later)
  
• Chicken (usually, steak sometimes, barbacoa is too tough to eat with chips)
  
• Hot sauce (usually double what they try to give me)
  
• Corn
  
• Sour Cream
  
• Cheese

Perfection.

I can't wait until the election is over...

...so we can all be friends again